"The Maltese Falcon" is the obvious nickname here but, somewhat surprisingly, Don's actual nickname is "Donny The Rapist" due to a string of horrific rape convictions.

Not an actual player. She's the halftime show. She'll be beheaded at the penalty spot for once glancing at a bloke at the Riyadh Mall in 2006.

Look at that hair! Shame we'll have to lop it all off just in case handsome Mario is a homosexual. Better to be on the safe side!

A handsome man by any metric. Too bad he is gay and as such will be chased around the stadium at halftime of the Qatar vs Saudi Arabia match and then once caught will be stoned to death.